How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage

You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your partner, and suddenly you can’t think clearly. Maybe you go quiet and wait for it to be over. Maybe you say something you already know you’ll regret. When this happens, learning how to pause during conflict can be the difference between a hard conversation that gets repaired and a fight that keeps causing damage.

When your nervous system becomes flooded, your body moves into fight or flight. Your capacity to listen, feel empathy, think clearly, and problem-solve drops, which means trying to push through the conversation usually makes things worse. The goal is not to avoid the conflict, but to step away with enough structure that both of you can come back when your bodies are actually capable of connection.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk you through the Pause Protocol, a structured process I use with my clients when conflict becomes too overwhelming to continue. I explain what physiological flooding is, why productive communication becomes impossible in that state, and how to pause, regulate, reconnect, and return to the conversation before more damage is done.

2:21 – What’s happening in your body when a conversation between you and your partner goes sideways

5:16 – Why pausing in the middle of the argument isn’t the counterproductive move it seems like on the surface

7:22 – What the pause protocol is and how to use it effectively (so things don’t get worse)

10:18 – Where most people go wrong with the protocol, and how long the pause should last

12:43 – How to check back in with each other once the pause period ends

15:01 – Why walking away doesn’t have to mean you’re leaving the issue unresolved, and a pattern worth paying attention to if it develops

17:33 – Three things that happen when you don’t take a time out during an argument with your partner

20:05 – A review of what you need to agree on as a couple before you need the pause protocol

Mentioned In How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage

How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective

The Gottman Institute

Relationship Reset Couples Program

Relationship Readiness Intensive

Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult

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Transcript

Valerie McDonnell: Welcome to The RISE To Intimacy podcast. I'm your host, Valerie McDonnell. And for over a decade, I've worked as a sex and couples therapist, because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform, I was disconnected from my body and I often felt like desire was out of reach for me. But through my own trauma work, I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learned what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down and without numbing out. Now I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists because trauma doesn't get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying and rebuild real connection, first with yourself and then with the people you love. 

Let's begin. Have you ever been in the middle of an argument with your partner and suddenly realized that you have no idea what they just said? Maybe you've gone completely quiet and you're just waiting for it to be over. Or maybe you're saying things you already know you're going to regret. If any of that sounds familiar, what you're experiencing is called physiological flooding. And understanding what it is and what to do when it happens, is something most couples were never taught. Today's episode is part two of my series on communication. In part one, I talked about why your partner doesn't feel heard, even when you think you're listening. And I walked you through two essential skills, acknowledgement and validation. So if you haven't listened to that episode yet, I'd encourage you to go back and start there. Because what I'm teaching today builds directly on those skills. So you can know exactly how to acknowledge and validate your partner. But the moment your nervous system floods, none of that is possible. 

I'm going to teach you what flooding is today, why it makes productive conversation impossible and give you a step-by-step process I developed, called the pause protocol for when this happens. The pause protocol will help you and your partner interrupt a conflict before it causes damage and come back to it when you're finally capable of hearing each other, so that you can resolve conflicts instead of letting them linger. 

So let's start with what's actually happening in your body when a conversation with your partner starts going sideways. Flooding happens when your body's stress response takes over during conflict and it's not just a feeling. It's a physiological process that occurs in you that we can actually measure and study. When you become flooded, your heart rate increases, often rising above 100 beats per minute. Your blood pressure goes up and then stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood your system. When this happens, your body enters the fight or flight mode. And from that place, your ability to think clearly, to listen, to feel empathy and to problem solve, drops dramatically. Now, John Gottman did a really interesting study on this. In his study, researchers interrupted couples, who were in the middle of a conflict after 15 minutes had passed. They told them they needed to adjust the equipment and asked them to just sit and read for 30 minutes. But what's fascinating is that when these couples came back to their discussion, their heart rates were significantly lower and their interactions became more positive and productive. So that study is powerful, because it shows something simple but important. The same couple having the same conversation about the same issue got a completely different outcome, just because their nervous systems had time to settle down. So the conversation didn't change, their bodies changed and that made all the difference. 

And here's another interesting thing they discovered. Gottman's research found that in heterosexual couples, men are more often flooded than women during conflict, with about 85% of stonewallers in his study being male. So stonewalling is when one partner completely shuts down during a conflict and stops responding to the other person. This doesn't mean that women don't experience flooding, but men tend to reach that physiological threshold faster, which is why they're more likely to shut down or go quiet or leave the room. And when that happens, their female partner often interprets their silence as being dismissive and emotionally unavailable. But what's actually happening is the opposite. His body is so overwhelmed that it's shutting down to protect itself. So he's not checking out, because he doesn't care. He's checking out, because his nervous system has hit a wall. And understanding this distinction can change everything for a couple. Because once both partners see stonewalling as flooding rather than indifference, the conversation shifts from why won't you talk to me to what do we need to do, so that you feel comfortable continuing our conversation. 

So if you can't push through flooding and you can't just ignore it, what do you actually do? So that's what I'm about to address. Now I know some of you are wondering why you should pause the conversation if you're already in the middle of it. It may feel counterproductive if you think by pausing, you'll never get anything resolved, especially if one of you tends to avoid conflict and never initiates coming back to it. And I totally get that, especially if you're the partner who is ready to resolve things right now, because if you don't, you'll start to feel anxious, wondering if it will ever be resolved. It can also feel like you're giving your partner an easy way out, if they're the one who typically shuts down and is more than comfortable taking some space. Because this can feel like you're agreeing to your partner's avoided behavior. And it may also feel frustrating, if you tend to ruminate over conversations that aren't quickly resolved. But when you or your partner's nervous system becomes flooded, you cannot process information effectively and you tend to react instead of respond. 

This happens because your prefrontal cortex, which is the part of your brain responsible for reasoning, empathy and impulse control, goes offline. And then your amygdala, which is your brain's alarm system, takes over. From that state, you're not capable of hearing your partner, or understanding their perspective or working together toward a solution. And this is why so many couples tell me, we try to talk about it and it just made everything worse. But this isn't because they're bad communicators, it's because they tried to communicate from a state where communication is physiologically impossible. Pushing through flooding doesn't show your partner that you care about them. It teaches your nervous system that conflict with this person is threatening. And the more times you push through and have a conversation go badly, the faster your body will flood the next time. So now I want to teach you exactly how to pause effectively, because a pause without structure is just avoidance. And avoidance makes things worse, y'all, not better. 

So the pause protocol is a tool I use often with my clients. It gives you a clear, agreed-upon process for stepping away from a conversation that is becoming unproductive and coming back to it when you're both ready. But for it to be most effective, you want to discuss it together and prepare for it before you need it. So I briefly talked about this part before, but when you notice that you or your partner is becoming overwhelmed, or flooded, or shut down, use a word or a phrase that you've chosen together in advance. It could be as simple as the word pause, or a specific phrase like, I need a break, but whatever works for you and your partner is best. Now here's the part that you can't skip. When you call the pause, you have to name a specific time to come back. Don't just walk away, because that can trigger your partner's abandonment response and make everything worse. Instead, you can say something like, I need a pause. Can we come back to this in 30 minutes? This indicates to your partner that you're not leaving the conversation permanently. And it gives both of you peace of mind, a specific time when you know you'll reconnect. And another very important rule, when someone calls the pause, it must be respected. Every time, no exceptions. You don't follow them into the other room, you don't get one more sentence and you don't say something like, nevermind, I'm done with this. So once the pause is called, both people need to honor and respect it. If you think that part will be difficult for you to do, then you should also discuss this with your partner, before you're in the middle of an argument. Since you'll be trying something new that can feel uncomfortable when tensions rise, please give each other flexibility. You're most likely not going to do it perfectly the first time you try it. It can feel abrupt or unexpected, when it happens, so prepare for this and know that as you continue practicing it, it will become easier and prove to be more effective than just sweeping things under the carpet, or avoiding it completely. So once the pause is called, physically move to a different space. So this could be going to another room or stepping outside, but whatever you do, give yourself real distance from the conversation. Your nervous system needs physical separation, in order to begin calming down. If you're still sitting across from the person your body perceives as a threat in that moment, your stress response will stay elevated, no matter how hard you try to relax. 

The next step is the one that most people get wrong. A pause is not a time to replay the argument in your head, or to rehearse what you're going to say, when you go back to it. And it's definitely not a time to build your case for why you're right. All of those things keep your nervous system activated. So while you might be in a different room, your brain will still be fighting and your body doesn't know the difference. Instead, use this time to do something that genuinely helps your body calm down. And this is going to be different for everyone. For some people, it's slow, deep breathing or meditating. For others, it's moving your body, like going for a walk. It can even be listening to music or sitting somewhere quietly that feels safe. But the goal here is simple, help your body move out of fight or flight and back into a state where connection is possible. You'll know when you're there when your heart rate is slowed and your breathing has settled. And you can think about what your partner said without the intensity of emotions you were experiencing before the pause. 

So now let's talk about how long the pause should last. Research on nervous system recovery tells us that it takes a minimum of 20 minutes for stress hormones to begin settling after an intense emotional response. So your pause should be at least 20 minutes, anything shorter and your body hasn't had enough time to reset. At the same time, I recommend that a pause should not extend beyond 12 hours. This is because I've heard so many couples say they won't return to conversations for days and sometimes weeks later, if they do at all. But waiting that long can cause resentment to settle in and create emotional distance that makes it harder to come back to the conversation. And at any given time, we're going to be confronted with situations and experiences that are stressful. Learning to tolerate that distress and return to difficult conversations within a reasonable window, is an essential skill for any healthy relationship. So again, the pause should be at least 20 minutes and no longer than 12 hours. How you spend that time is up to you and your partner though and what works best for you, in order to get back into a calm state. 

Now once you're agreed upon pause time is over, the next step is to check in with each other. And this doesn't mean immediately diving back into the conflict. It means genuinely asking, how are you feeling? Are you ready to resume our conversation? This check-in is important, because it honors both partners' readiness and nervous system state. Because just because the timer went off, doesn't mean both of you will be regulated. One person might need more time and that's totally okay. If one or both of you checks in and realizes you're still too anxious, or overwhelmed, or shut down to have a productive conversation, agree to continue the pause and set another specific time to check in with each other. You can say something like, I'm still feeling anxious. Can we check in again after dinner tonight? And you can repeat this as many times as you need within the 12 hour window we discussed. The point is never to force a conversation that your body isn't ready for, because forcing it will always make it worse. And remember, setting a specific time to return to the conversation helps you start training your nervous system to trust in this process. And trust that your partner is not abandoning what's important to you for your relationship to work well. 

When both of you feel calm and genuinely ready, that's when you return to the conversation. And being ready doesn't mean you're no longer affected by what happened. It's okay if you still feel hurt or frustrated, but as long as your nervous system has settled enough that you can listen, think clearly and respond, rather than react, then you can restart the conversation. And you'll know the difference. When you're regulated, you can think about your partner's perspective, without your body tensing up. You can hear what they say, without immediately preparing your defense. It means you feel steady, even if you're still upset. And this is where the skills from part one of this series come back into play. Once you're both regulated, you can acknowledge what your partner shared, validate how they felt, and hold your perspective separately if you didn't do this before. 

So one of the most common objections I hear from clients during this process, especially from their partner who tends to feel anxious during conflict, is that you feel like if you're walking away from a conversation, it means you won't get it resolved. And that the pause is going to feel really difficult and uncomfortable, if that's how it works with you. It might feel like your partner is leaving you hanging. And as I mentioned, your nervous system may interpret that as abandonment. But a pause and avoidance are fundamentally different things. And understanding the difference will change how you experience this. Avoidance feels like you're ending the conversation and you don't know if or when you'll talk about it again. It has no structure, no return time and no commitment to coming back. It leaves your partner feeling anxious and alone. But a pause says, I care about this conversation too much to have it from a place where neither of us can hear each other. I'm stepping away, so we can come back as a team. The pause protocol includes a specific return time, a mutual agreement and a shared commitment to finishing the conversation. And for the partner who tends to withdraw, the person who might use a pause as a reason to never come back to the conversation, this structure holds you accountable too. The pause has a time limit. You've agreed to return to the conversation and your partner is counting on you to follow through. And if you're trying to rebuild trust or just maintain it, this agreed upon time is especially important. The pause will only work, if it can be trusted. If you call a pause and don't come back, you've turned this process into something that will only lead to further hurt. And your partner will never feel safe letting you walk away again. So the commitment to return is just as important as the pause itself. 

And one more thing I want to address. If you notice that one of you is calling a pause, every time a conversation gets slightly uncomfortable, so in this case, you're not flooded, but you're just uncomfortable, that's worth paying attention to. The pause protocol is designed for flooding, not for avoiding topics that are hard. There's a difference between your nervous system being overwhelmed and simply not wanting to have a difficult conversation. So if that happens and it becomes a pattern, is something worth exploring together or with a therapist. So let me quickly talk about what the research shows happens when couples don't take breaks during conflict. Because understanding the cost of not pausing is just as important as understanding the benefit of doing it. 

So when couples continue arguing while flooded, several things happen. First, they say things they don't mean because their prefrontal cortex is offline and their survival brain is now running the show. So when this happens, words might become defensive, or criticism occurs, or someone ends the conversation aggressively. And those things aren't easily forgotten. Second, your body learns to flood faster next time. Because your brain is learning, this situation is a threat, so I need to be better prepared for it. So the next time a difficult topic comes up, your body reaches that threshold sooner and you get triggered immediately. One sentence or a certain tone of voice can send your body into full alert. Because your nervous system has been trained by multiple conversations that went badly, because nobody ever paused. And third, unresolved conflict keeps your stress response activated long after the argument is over. 

Research has found that unresolved conflict between partners leads to elevated cortisol levels that disrupt sleep, mood and even immune function. So the longer the conflict stays unresolved, the more your body stays on high alert. And a separate study found that sleep-deprived couples experience less positive feelings before and after conflictual conversations. So this is also where it can become a cycle. You argue while flooded. You say hurtful things. The conflict doesn't get resolved. Then your stress hormones stay elevated and your sleep suffers, which then causes you to wake up more reactive. And the next conflict becomes even harder to navigate. So while the pause protocol is not a magic fix, it does stop the damage from accumulating. And it gives your nervous system something it desperately needs, which is evidence that conflict with your partner can end in connection, instead of disconnection. You want to be sure to set up the pause protocol with your partner before you need it. Trying to introduce this concept in the middle of a heated argument will not go well, trust me. So pick a time when you and your partner are both calm and regulated and have a conversation about this. 

And here are the things you need to agree on together. First, what word or phrase will you use to call the pause? Remember, it can be as simple as pause or I need a break. Whatever it is, agree on it now so that when one of you uses it, the other person immediately knows what it means. Second, decide how you will reconnect after the pause. So will one person text the other, or will you meet in a specific room at your agreed upon time? Having a clear plan for how you come back together, removes the fear of the unknown that can create anxiety during the break. And third, decide what your minimum pause time should be. While I recommend at least 20 minutes, based on the research, some couples prefer 30 minutes, or an hour. But you get to decide what works for both of you. And finally, each of you should identify what helps you personally regulate and calm down during the pause. I suggest you come up with a list of five things you can do during the pause, to help your brain and body slow down and move back into a regulated state. The pause is one of the most crucial skills to learn, when understanding and developing effective communication with your partner. But it is not the end of the process. It's the bridge between acknowledgement and resolution. 

So first, you acknowledge and validate your partner's experience. And again, that's what I discussed in part one of this series last week. If emotions get too high during that process, you pause and regulate. And that's what we covered today. Once you're both regulated, you come back and continue acknowledging and validating if needed. Then after this, you move into conflict resolution, which is when you'll work together to solve the problem. And that's what I'll be covering in next week's episode. And after conflict resolution, I'll also teach you a process for reconnecting with your partner, so that your nervous system learns that difficult conversations can end in closeness. Difficult conversations don't fail, because you and your partner don't care enough. They fail because you try to have them while your bodies are flooded. The pause protocol interrupts the damage before it can take hold, so that when you do come back together, you're capable of the kind of conversation that leads to you both feeling better, because it finally gets resolved. Connection, understanding and resolution become possible again, when your body feels safe enough to get there. So before the next disagreement with your partner, set up your pause protocol together. Choose your word, agree on the timing, know what helps you regulate and practice it before you need it. 

If you want help learning these skills with your partner and practicing them in real time, head over to risetointimacy.com and book a consultation with me. I now offer six-month programs for individuals and couples, who are interested in developing healthy long-term relationships. And if this episode was helpful, please share it with your partner or someone who needs to hear it. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you next week for part three of my series on communication. 

Thanks for listening to The RISE To Intimacy podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating and review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise. It really helps others find us and I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com. 

And remember, sex therapy isn't for people who are broken. It's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.