Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire

You've told your partner what you need. Maybe you've told them a hundred times, and nothing changes. So at some point, you stopped asking. You stopped being vulnerable. You stopped fighting for it. And somewhere in that silence, a story started forming that says, “They don't care. They never will, and maybe this relationship is too far gone to fix.”

That resentment doesn't announce itself. It builds slowly through dismissed comments, unresolved arguments, and years of swallowing your needs until you forget why you even had them. It quietly rewires how you see your partner, until you're no longer responding to the person in front of you but to the story you've built about them.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down why resentment is the most underestimated threat to long-term relationships and sexual desire. I share how it fundamentally changes the way you interpret your partner’s actions, what it's actually trying to tell you, and what it takes for both partners to move through it before emotional distance becomes the new normal.

2:15 – How resentment stops being about a situation gone wrong and becomes a hardened story about your partner

3:57 – One of the most frustrating ways resentment shows up

4:46 – Example of how unprocessed hurt can move partners into avoidance, retaliation, and conflict

8:13 – How one painful moment can quietly expand into a verdict about your entire relationship

9:52 – What to do (and what not to do) when resentment starts building up

11:02 – What it looks and sounds like when both partners engage in repairing conflict and misunderstandings

15:47 – What your resentment toward your partner is trying to tell you

Mentioned In Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire

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Transcript

Valerie McDonnell: Welcome to The RISE to Intimacy podcast. I'm your host, Valerie McDonnell. And for over a decade, I've worked as a sex and couples therapist, because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform, I was disconnected from my body and I often felt like desire was out of reach for me. But through my own trauma work, I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learned what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down and without numbing out. Now I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists because trauma doesn't get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying and rebuild real connection, first with yourself and then with the people you love. 

Let's begin. I talk a lot about helping couples bridge the gap between their different levels of sexual desire. However, one of the biggest reasons this gap exists is due to resentment. I always say, resentment is the slippery slope towards a breakup. And here's why. I've worked with multiple couples who tell me they've been feeling resentful towards their partner for many years. Sometimes this can be 10 or 20 years of resentment. And when you've been feeling resentful for a long time, it makes sense that you may also be feeling hostile, betrayed, lonely, frustrated and even hopeless. Because resentment often develops when someone feels repeatedly hurt, or unseen, taken for granted, or dismissed, or just forced to suppress their needs. Resentment tends to build over time and keeps a memory of past injuries. Despite the surface-level feelings that permeate the relationship, underneath you're typically feeling hurt or afraid that this indicates nothing will ever change, or feel clueless how to make that change happen. We can also feel justified in our stance once resentment settles in, causing us to sit and wait for our partner to be clued into how we're feeling and why without making it clear. 

Over time, resentment stops being about a situation gone wrong and becomes a hardened story about your partner. What begins as pain can quickly become the way you choose to protect yourself from more hurt and as a result, you become distant or cold. And eventually, if it doesn't get repaired, it can turn into the belief that your partner is the enemy. That is when couples start saying things like, why would I meet their needs when they don't meet mine? Or, I can't even imagine having sex with them when that feels like just another chore on my to-do list. If you've been repeatedly attempting to tell your partner that you feel unsupported, or like they don't understand you, or that you need emotional connection before you feel open to sexual connection and then nothing changes, it can feel like your only two options are acceptance of a situation you don't want to be in, or settling into resentment. Resentment sends a message that says, this keeps happening and I don't fucking like it. Even if you've told your partner a hundred times that you don't like what's happening, even when you tell them you need more support or emotional connection, their behavior stays the same. It says, I told you this hurt me and nothing changed. So you must not give a shit about me. It says, I had to swallow my needs so many times that now I don't even want to ask anymore, because what's the point? And in many relationships, resentment builds from small moments that were never fully resolved. This may look like a dismissed comment, a forgotten request, or the years of being fine, when you're really just slowly disconnecting. 

One of the most frustrating ways resentment shows up is when you keep bringing an issue to your partner, or you attempt to explain something that hurts you and somehow you end up talking about what bothers your partner or comforting them. When this happens, you feel like it's useless to be vulnerable with your partner, because the issue you're dealing with never gets resolved. When you consistently aren't acknowledged or validated for how you feel, you start feeling alone in the relationship. Then you decide to go silent, or you end up erupting into anger, because you're sick of continuing to feel unseen, unheard and unsupported. Those feelings can easily turn into not feeling loved or respected by your partner, which are crucial components of a relationship that we all need to thrive. When hurt does not get processed, partners are more likely to move into avoidance, retaliation, and ineffective conflict. 

So let me give you a real-life example. A while ago, I noticed someone I love felt off. They seemed distant, they were agitated and they weren't being fully present with me, when we had time to connect. And very quickly, I registered this as the problem being me. My mind went straight back to a conversation we had that didn't go well. I replayed what was said. I zeroed in on the parts that made me feel like I was too much, or too needy and too complicated. And it didn't take long before I landed in a dark, but familiar place, of feeling unlovable. From there, my mind started spiraling down a deep, dark rabbit hole of despair. Because the thing that had come up in our recent conversation was connected to my childhood trauma. Not in a way that was obvious to this person, but in a way that felt deeply personal to me. It was tied to something I had worked very hard to reclaim during my own healing process. Something that, for me, represented overcoming fear, disgust, loss of control and even parts of losing my sense of self. This thing had become symbolic in a way I did not fully realize until that conversation. I didn't just view it as a preference. It was something meaningful, because it had now become part of my identity. It represented not only surviving my trauma, but thriving after it in a way I never had before. 

So when I experienced that same thing as being a problem in the relationship, it didn't land as constructive feedback, it landed as a threat. And as a result, my nervous system went into overdrive. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, confused, mad and resentful. But mostly, I used what I heard as a signal that I was about to be abandoned again by someone I loved. And all of that might sound like a lot. And guess what? It fucking is. But this is the reality of trauma. It is layered. It is intense. It is not always logical. And it can feel completely overwhelming, even when you understand it. Even when you've spent years geeking out on the research and helping clients with trauma histories. After a flood of emotions hit me like a brick wall, my behavior shifted and I started projecting. I questioned whether I had been misled. I wondered if this meant I was losing this person for good. I attacked, I fought and I accused. And the more I pushed, the more this other person shut down. They became distant, they stopped responding and that only confirmed my biggest fear. So I escalated. Even though I was trying my hardest to push them away, so I didn't have to feel that pain anymore, I also knew that I was terrified of them going away.

And it could have been really easy for me to let resentment show up after this conversation, because if I had decided I didn't know how to talk about what I was feeling, or if I did, it wouldn't have changed anything, then I could have turned it into a painful narrative about this relationship. Something like, they don't care about me, they'll never understand me, they're going to leave. Resentment can take one painful moment and make it represent everything. Instead of thinking, that hurt me, it sounds something like, you always hurt me. And from there, it's easier to think the problem is the relationship and so you should just end it, instead of thinking about ways to resolve the actual problem. Because when your nervous system is activated, resentment can feel like the truth. But many times, resentment is trying to protect and ensure you never have to feel that vulnerable again. Resentment becomes dangerous, because it changes how you interpret your partner. A forgotten task becomes proof that your needs will never be met. A need for space becomes rejection that will continue to repeat, no matter how you feel. A careless comment becomes confirmation that they do not love you. And over time, you stop relating to the person in front of you. And you start relating to the story you created about them and the relationship. When you think about how many times you've tried to get through to your partner without anything changing, you become exhausted. You make the decision that it's easier to suck it up and not say anything than to keep being vulnerable, or to keep fighting for your partner to finally show up for you. But the cumulative tension that results is linked to a higher risk for divorce and breakups. And this is why repair is not optional once resentment shows up. Couples do not usually break up because they have conflict, they break up, because too many conflicts remain unresolved. 

So what do you do when resentment starts building? First ask, what unmet need or desire is underneath my resentment? Not, how do I prove I'm right, not, how do I make them finally agree with my perspective? But, what pain am I experiencing that my partner doesn't understand? You also want to ask yourself, have I made a request, or have I made an accusation? Because resentment often shows up as an accusation. And while it may be uncomfortable at first, cluing your partner into the thoughts and feelings that are on repeat inside your head and within your body, is more helpful than making an accusation against them. Instead of saying, you're only thinking about yourself when you do that and you're being a real jerk, what's way more effective is saying, when that happened, I felt scared and unimportant. If you can stay grounded in your experience of what occurred, versus engaging in criticism or character assassinations, your partner will have more space to actually hear your request and understand the pain you're experiencing. And the only real way to move past resentment is to have a healthy strategy for repairing conflict and misunderstandings. But both partners have to engage in this process. It's not a one-man show, y'all and it's definitely not an opportunity to try and prove who's right and who's wrong. One of the most important steps to this process and one that should happen first, is being able to state your perspective and have it acknowledged by your partner. And then, of course, we have to do the same for them. But so many couples get tripped up on this part. I've mentioned this in previous podcast episodes, but it's a myth that if you acknowledge your partner's perspective and validate how they felt based on that, that this is also some indication that you agree their perspective is the only right one. And at any given time, many of us are experiencing the same situation and based on our personal histories, we interpret that same experience differently than others. 

Let me give you an example. If I'm sitting in my office and all of a sudden the fire alarm goes off, I may quickly get up and be ready to run out the building. Meanwhile, my coworker may still be calmly sitting at their desk, almost unaware that there's an alarm blaring loudly in the hallway. Does this mean my reaction is wrong and that theirs is right? Absolutely not. I may be ready to run out the building, because maybe I grew up in a home that burned down and someone got hurt, because the smoke alarms had old batteries. That experience is going to serve as a reminder to my nervous system that when a fire alarm goes off, I better pay attention or I may get hurt. And it also doesn't mean my coworker is clueless or doesn't care about their safety. Maybe they've heard many fire alarms go off throughout their lifetime and every time it was just a false alarm. So their nervous system doesn't register it as a real threat and therefore they remain calm. And just because I might be scared and they may be calm, trying to argue with them that they should be scared simply because that was my experience will get me nowhere. Even though me and my coworker just had the same exact experience, but felt completely differently and therefore we reacted differently, it doesn't mean one of us is right and the other is wrong. What it does mean is that our histories can influence our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. And what works well is to first gain an understanding of these differences. And this happens by listening to your partner's perspective to truly understand it, and then to acknowledge it makes sense based on what they just told you. 

And then the next step is to validate how they felt as a result. It's okay to say, it makes sense to me that you felt like you were unimportant when I didn't help you with dinner tonight, after you had a really chaotic workday. That statement says, based on what you experienced, it makes sense to me. That statement isn't saying, you aren't important to me and that's why I didn't help you with dinner. Do you hear the difference? When we give our partner the opportunity to tell us how they felt, when they experienced something and we can both acknowledge it and validate their feelings around it, our partner feels seen and heard. After we do that part, we want to ask them what they think would work better next time, or even, what can I do next time that would feel better to you? There should also be enough space during this conversation for us to talk about our perspective and feelings and to receive acknowledgement and validation for them. This is not the same as saying something like, well, I didn't mean to make you feel unimportant. That's not how validation works. Instead, it's saying something like, I had a really busy workday too and when I came home, I felt completely exhausted and just wanted some time to sit and decompress. You are important to me and I'm sorry I didn't notice you needed help, but I do love you. Maybe next time, if I quickly check in with what you have going on, before I decompress, we can make this work better. What are your thoughts? In that moment, you're acknowledging, validating, sharing your perspective without dismissing theirs, coming up with a possible solution and finally, asking them for their feedback. And if both people can do that, resentment does not have to become the beginning of the end. It can show you where the relationship needs attention before emotional distance or disconnection becomes your new norm. 

So if you're feeling resentful towards your partner, please know that letting it linger, or continue to build will only create more distance between you and the person you love. Think of resentment as information that something needs to be acknowledged and understood, or needs to change, or needs to be repaired. Sometimes resentment is telling you that an old wound has been touched, like the example I gave with the person I had that conversation with and your body is trying to protect you from feeling powerless again. But don't let resentment take over and start driving the relationship. It could feel easier to shut down, distance yourself, or decide that it's pointless to talk about how you're feeling. But none of those responses will help you have a healthy relationship, where you consistently have your needs and wants met and you also know how to meet your partners. 

Thanks so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, please subscribe on Apple or Spotify and leave me a review if you found this episode helpful. 

Thanks for listening to The RISE to Intimacy podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating and review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise. It really helps others find us and I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com. And remember, sex therapy isn't for people who are broken. It's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.